I'm providing a jump tag to relatively newer stuff
If you're here for the politics....
Roses are red,
Violets are green;
Not only am I colour blind,
I'm a really bad poet as well.
How the Grinch stole Christmas
Others:
Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today --
I think he's from the CIA.
Two mathematicians are in a bar.
The first one says to the second that the average person knows very
little about basic mathematics.
The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a
reasonable amount of math.
The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence
the second calls over the waitress.
He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he
will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is
answer one third x cubed.
She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'.
`One thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she
agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'.
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his
point, that most people do know something about basic math.
He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first
laughingly agrees.
The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral
of x squared?'.
The waitress says `one third x cubed', and, while walking away, turns
back and says over her shoulder, `plus a constant!'
You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
your party is very successful, in which case they will lob tear gas
through your living-room window.
(According to Dave Barry.)
"'Twas midnight on the ocean,
Not a streetcar was in sight;
The sun was shining brightly,
For it rained all day that night.
'Twas a summer day in winter
And snow was raining fast
As a barefoot boy with shoes on
Stood sitting in the grass."
"'Old Maggot is a shrewd fellow,' said Merry. 'A lot goes on behind his round face that does not come out in his talk.'"
"Don't let the past remind us of what we are not now."
"Suite: Judy Blue Eyes", Crosby Stills & Nash
There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
-- Maslow
My father peddles opium, my mother's on the dole
My sister used to walk the streets but now she's on parole
My brother runs a restaurant with a bedroom in the rear
But they don't even speak to me 'cause I'm an engineer
--From the MIT "Engineer's drinking song"
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
(Pogo)
Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill
Clinton said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically,
according to the U.S. government, knowledge of computers is the
ultimate aphrodisiac. You could argue with me -- I'm just a
cartoonist -- but it's hard to argue with the government. Remember,
they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must
know a thing or two about satisfying women.
>It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web
will qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And
nobody likes a man who takes money from the government, except
maybe Marilyn Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her. And if you
think that's stupid, I've got 100 words to go.
-Scott Adams, writer of
Dilbert.
Remember, there is power in numbers. And power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
So if you have an important date planned, bring us all with you. It can
only help.
-Same guy.
I need sleep. Ah, well, plenty of time for that when I'm dead.
-SJens
Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
``The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.''
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
"We are in danger of flunking most heinously, Ted."
"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and
probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits
singing about toilet paper."
(Rod Serling)
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed
Toward his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore.
While the bard and birdie chattered, I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered, as I crossed the corridor;
For his house is crammed with trinkets, curios and weird decor --
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.
Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents' worth --
"Nevermore."
While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly leapt up, pouncing on the feathered bore.
Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore --
Only this and not much more.
"Oooh!" my pickled poet cried out, "Pussycat, it's time I dried out!
Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before;
How I've wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty
Put an end to that damned ditty" -- then I heard him start to snore.
Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped -- and smashed it on the floor.
(Henry Beard, in _Poetry for Cats_)
In the treehouse, Lisa reads a book. Bart chokes himself, trying to get
her attention. Lisa is reading ``a classic tale of terror by Edgar Allan
Poe.'' Bart suspiciously observes that she's reading a school book.
``Don't worry, you won't learn anything. It's called...''
==============================================================================
The Raven Written by Edgar Allan Poe and Sam Simon
Directed by David Silverman
==============================================================================
As Lisa reads, the scene changes to a scary mansion.
[Narrated by James Earl Jones]
Lisa: Once upon a midnight dreary...
Narrator: ...while I pondered, weak and weary,
: Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore---
Homer sits, asleep, with a book titled ``Forgotten Lore Vol. II'' on his
lap.
When the tapping occurs in the next stanza, Homer wakes up with a start and
looks around nervously.
Narrator: While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
Homer: 'Tis some visitor,
Narrator: I muttered,
Homer: tapping at my chamber door---
: Only this and nothing more.
&> Bart: Are we scared yet?
Homer returns to sleep.
Narrator: Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December;
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow;---vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow--- .
Homer wakes up and walks to a tall portrait of Lenore (Marge), her hair
going up so far that it requires a second panel.
Narrator: ---sorrow for the lost Lenore---
Homer: [plaintively] Oh, Lenore...
Narrator: For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore---
: Nameless here for evermore.
A rustle is heard outside. Homer screams and hides behind the chair.
Narrator: And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me---filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating--
Homer hides under the chair.
Homer: 'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door---
: Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door;---
: This it is and nothing more.
Narrator: Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
Homer: Sir,
Narrator: said I,
Homer: or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
: But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
: And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
: That I scarce was sure I heard you
Narrator: ---here I opened wide the door;---
Homer: [throws open the door and covers his eyes]
\& Bart: [impatiently] This better be good.
Homer: [peeks through his fingers]
Narrator: Darkness there and nothing more.
Homer: Huh?
\\
Sitting outside the treehouse is Homer, clearly scared. Bart complains,
``You know what would have been scarier than nothing?''
Lisa: ``What?''
Bart: ``ANYTHING!''
\\
Narrator: Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping something louder than before.
Homer: Surely,
Narrator: said I,
Homer: surely that is something at my window lattice;
: Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore---
& -- Poe's manuscript says ``somewhat''.
Homer opens the window.
Narrator: Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore;
The raven bears a striking resemblance to Bart.
Narrator: Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
: But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door---
: Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door---
: Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Homer chuckles.
Homer: Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,
Narrator: I said,
Homer: art sure no craven,
: Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore---
: Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!
Narrator: Quoth the Raven
Bart/Raven: Eat my shorts!
Lisa tells Bart that the Raven says ``Nevermore'' and nothing else.
Bart reluctantly gives in.
An odor wanders past, and Homer catches a whiff of it.
Narrator: Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an
unseen scensor,
The `unseen' scensor whaps Homer upside the head. (``D'oh! Damn scensor!'')
Narrator: Swung by seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
The seraphim in question are an angelic Lisa and Maggie.
Homer: Wretch,
Narrator: I cried,
Homer: thy God hath lent thee---by these angels he hath sent thee
: Respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore;
& -- Poe repeats `Respite'.
Homer orates before the portrait of Lenore.
Homer: Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!
Narrator: Quote the Raven
Bart/Raven: Nevermore.
Homer: D'oh!
Homer is really angry now.
Homer: Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!
Narrator: I shrieked, upstarting---
Homer: Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!---quit the bust above my door!
: Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!
Narrator: Quote the Raven
Bart/Raven: Nevermore.
Homer: [trying to stay calm]
: Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!
Narrator: Quote the Raven
Bart/Raven: Nevermore.
Homer: Why you little...!
Bart/Raven: Uh-oh!
Homer lunges for the Raven, who flits off. Homer chases the bird across
and around the room, but it remains barely out of reach.
Homer: Come back here, you little Raven!
Homer's chase makes a mess of his chamber.
Homer: D'ah, grf, son-of-a, d'oh!
Homer throws a potted plant at the Raven, who dodges the projectile. In
true cartoon fashion, the plant hits Homer on the head. Tiny Ravens dance
around Homer's head, chanting, ``Nevermore, Nevermore, Nevermore...''
The chase continues. The Raven plucks books from the shelf and drops them.
[Books by Edgar Alan Poe.]
The Raven has returned to its place atop the bust of Pallas. Below lies
the carnage it has wrought upon the room.
Narrator: And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting,
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on
the floor;
: And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
: Shall be lifted---nevermore!
The Raven chuckles evilly.
"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."
-- Lewis Carrol
Homicidal, suicidal, neurotic, psychotic, *and* just plain broke.
"..if you want to eliminate what's distinctive and potentially dangerous about a low-budget independent, offer him a Hollywood contract."
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly colored machine tools.
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
from the cares of office.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear boots, bathe, and not
make messes in the house."
- Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love, (Berkeley Paperback Edition, p. 247)
A warning about reading causality into correlation
Subject: this is a test What you are about to witness is a test of the mathclub emergency broadcast system. This is only a test. Henceforth all undergraduate math classes will be taught by Econ professors You have been experiencing a test of the mathclub emergency broadcast system. The preceding was ONLY a test. Had this been an actual emergency, you would have received further instructions on where to go and who to kill. I'm just testing the power of my email list here, so please pay no attention. Nat Crawford
The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
over the world, the President explained that if he died then America
would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley
said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair
thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
votes.
The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
"'Tis strange," said the gnat to the gnu,
"To spell your queer name as you do."
"For the matter of that,"
Said the gnu to the gnat,
"That's the same way I feel about you."
"The problem with the global village is all the global village idiots."
- P. Ginsparg
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
-- W. C. Fields
It's all just coincidence. There is no conspiracy, that's just what
they want you to believe.
I'll take credit for this one
A year or two after emigrating, she happened to be in Paris on the
anniversary of the Russian invasion of her country. A protest march
had been scheduled, and she felt driven to take part. Fists raised
high, the young Frenchmen shouted out slogans condemning Soviet
imperialism. She liked the slogans, but to her surprise she found
herself unable to shout along with them. She lasted no more than a few
minutes in the parade.
When she told her French friends about it, they were amazed. "You mean
you don't want to fight the occupation of your country?" She would
have liked to tell them that behind Communism, Fascism, behind all
occupations and invasions lurks a more basic, pervasive evil and that
the image of that evil was a parade of people marching by with raised
fists and shouting identical syllables in unison. But she knew she
would never be able to make them understand.
- Milan Kundera, in "The Unbearable Lightness of Being"
"Most people use statistics the way a drunkard uses a lamp post -- more for support than illumination." --Mark Twain
"My view of Microsoft is that they had two goals in the last 10 years: to copy the Macintosh and to copy Lotus' success in the applications business. And they accomplished those goals. Now, they're kind of lost. I've told Bill that I think it's in Microsoft's best interest if NeXT becomes successful because we'll give him something to copy for the rest of this decade." --Steve Jobs
"Get your facts first, and then you can distort 'em as much as you please." --Mark Twain
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS president Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and pellets went through the window striking Opus. When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B.
When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
There was an exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son, one Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten- story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.
The medical examiner closed his case as a suicide.
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
smacked his lips with relish.
"Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
"Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
a-comin'."
If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in
college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should
be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not
by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise
instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools,
not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
put on a professor.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
My first baseman is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
"I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.
-- Audobon Society Magazine
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket is terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered serenely: "Whenever it breaks."
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
-- Milton Friedman
Stop U.S. involvement in North America.
"America was not founded so we could all be better. America was founded
so we could all be whatever we damn well pleased."
PJ ORourke
The future is longer than the present.
"Of course the US Constitution isn't perfect; but it's a lot better than
what we have now."
-- Eric Sheppard (ce1zzes@prism.gatech.EDU)
Democracy is when three wolves and a sheep vote on what to have for lunch.
-not me
The private sector has adaptability. It has to. The government doesn't have adaptability. The government has lots of men with guns.
"The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and
bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against
tyranny in government."
Thomas Jefferson
"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love."
-- Charlie Brown
But the kettle *is* black.
"Open-minded people look at the world around them and try to find the
lessons there that apply to their own lives, while narrow-minded people
look at the lessons their own life has brought them and try to apply
these to the world at large."
- M. Elizabeth Hunter (hunter@apocalypse.org), 6 Jul 1995
"Democracy is the theory that the common man knows what he wants and
deserves to get it -- good and hard."
H. L. Mencken
``Ban the lottery because it takes advantage of stupid people? Then why not
ban boxing? Used-car salesmen? The Democratic Party?''
_Banned from Public Radio_, Michael Graham
"Freedom is not empowerment. Empowerment is what the Serbs have
in Bosnia. Anybody can grab a gun and be empowered. It's not
entitlement. An entitlement is what people on welfare get, and how
free are they? It's not an endlessly expanding list of rights--the 'right'
to education, the 'right' to health care, the 'right' to food and housing.
That's not freedom, that's dependency. Those aren't rights, those are
the rations of slavery--hay and a barn for human cattle. There's only
one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And
with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the
consequences."
-PJ O'Rourke
``I'm not arguing here that government ought to do more with less; I'm
saying government ought to do less with less.''
Bill Weld
Social security brings a new dimension to such concepts as
annuities, insurance, and retirement. No long, complicated
contracts. No actuarial tables to pore over. Social security
operates on a very simple principle: the politicians take your
money from you and squander it.
Harry Browne
You want to know the scariest thing you can say to someone? `I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'
1. Raise federal taxes.
2. Give tax money to people made poorer by step 1.
3. Assert that only people or institutions who are good and moral
are deserving of this money.
4. Create federal laws to determine who is good and moral, thereby
increasing the federal government's control over people's lives.
5. Go to step 1.
"Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you
have the exact measure of the injustice and wrong which will be
imposed on them."
- Frederick Douglass
"If ye love wealth greater than liberty, the tranquility of servitude
greater than the animating contest for freedom, go home from us in peace. We
seek not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds
you; and may posterity forget that ye were once our countrymen."
-- Samuel Adams.
Thalidomide doesn't cause birth defects in rats.
Dick Armey was asked on a news show: "Aren't you worried that if the line-item veto passes, it might be used to cut some program you want?" Armey, without a pause, said, "I don't want anything."
If you think health care is expensive
now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
-PJ O'Rourke
"In fact, if there were no prior convention, then, unless the vote were
unanimous, what would become of the minority's obligation to submit to the
majority's choice, and where do one hundred who want a master get the right to
vote for ten who do not? The law of majority rule is itself an established
convention, and presupposes unanimity on at least one occasion."
-JJ Rousseau, On the Social Contract
Government is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
And a permanent problem to a temporary solution.
{Both quotes from Steve Jens.}
I am a Republican Because . . .
Haley Barbour,
Republican National Committee Chairman
It is *not* because I want the government censoring the internet, giving money to subsidize big business in Mexico, or prohibiting homosexuals and women from serving their country.
Mediocrity never appealed to me.
"Tariffs, quotas and other import restrictions protect the business of the rich at the expense of high cost of living for the poor. Their intent is to deprive you of the right to choose, and to force you to buy the high-priced inferior products of politically favored companies."
"Minimum wage laws tragically generate unemployment, especially among the
poorest and least skilled or educated workers... Because a minimum wage, of
course, does not guarantee any worker's employment; it only prohibits, by
force of law, anyone from being hired at the wage which would pay his
employer to hire him."
-- Murray N. Rothbard, For a New Liberty
"A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
to take it all away."
-- Barry Goldwater
"It is often easier for our children to obtain a gun than it is to find
a good school."
-- Joycelyn Elders
"Maybe that's because guns are sold at a profit, while schools are
provided by the government."
-- David Boaz
Republican Liberty Caucus: RLC, 1717 Apalachee Parkway, Suite 434, Tallahassee, FL 32301. If you have any questions regarding Membership you can call the RLC Office Monday thru Saturday 10:00 A.M. till 8:00 P.M. EST at (904) 878-4464.
"Therefore, it seems to me that the law written to govern a people is right to
permit these things, and also that divine providence rightly punishes them.
The human law deals with crimes that need to be punished if peace is to be
maintained among ignorant human beings and does so to the extent that those
matters can be regulated by man."
-St. Augustine, "On Free Choice"
"Individual Libertarians may consider the Boy Scouts' anti-gay
regulations short-sighted, morally wrong, or foolish," admitted
Dasbach. "But, politically, we support their right to set whatever
membership requirements they choose -- without government interference.
The right to associate, or not associate, is a basic human right that
the government cannot take away."
- A press release of the Libertarian Party; Steve Dasbach is chair
of the national party
"The victor will always judge the defeated, and always find him guilty."
(Goering, during the Nuremberg Trials)
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
--Unknown
Obviously we should hold our
government to a much higher standard than "not as bad as the Nazis".
--Barrie Greene, MIT
From: liberty@eskimo.com (Michael Justice)
Newsgroups: rec.guns
Date: 19 May 1995 14:01:46 -0400
All the same arguments are used by liberals against the 2nd as are
used by conservatives against the 4th. The conservatives ask "why do you
oppose being searched/observed, unless you have something to hide?" The
liberals ask "why could you possibly want such a weapon unless to attack
someone?"
--Vernon Imrich, vimrich@mit.edu
A: Sure! Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is killing people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it will do this under the strict supervision of the federal government.
Q: Will there be monetary damages assessed?
A: Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its products, the tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the group most directly affected.
Q: Lawyers?
A: Yes.
Q: Will the federal government also receive large quantities of money?
A: Of course.
Q: How will the tobacco industry obtain this money?
A: By selling more tobacco products.
Q: What if consumers stop buying tobacco products?
A: That would be very bad. That would mess up the economics of the whole thing. The government would probably have to set up an emergency task force to figure out ways to get people smoking again in order to finance the historic tobacco settlement.
Q: If the government really wants people to stop smoking, how come it doesn't just make cigarettes illegal?
A: Because people would smoke them anyway.
Q: Then how come the government makes crack cocaine illegal?
A: That is an unfair comparison. The tobacco industry is merely selling a deadly product; the crack cocaine industry is guilty of something far far worse.
Q: Failure to make large political donations??
A: Yes.
Q: Many people started smoking because they watched classic movies in which glamorous Hollywood stars were always inhaling and exhaling vast clouds of smoke and looking totally cool. What will be done to correct this under the historic tobacco settlement?
A: By mid 1999, all classic movies will be digitally reprocessed by special Food and Drug Administration computers so that - to cite one example - in Casablanca, when Humphrey Bogart makes his dramatic final speech to Ingrid Bergman, he will have the voice of Rocky the Flying Squirrel.
Q: Whose voice will the late John Wayne have?
A: The late Lucille Ball's.
Q: What will happen to all the tobacco institute scientists, who, despite decades of dedicated research, were never able to find a single shred of evidence proving that cigarettes cause cancer?
A: At the request of the White House, they will be reassigned to the Whitewater investigation.
Q: Speaking of administration scandals, if President Clinton actually winds up in court over this Paula Jones thing, what steps will be taken to prevent the trial from turning into a grotesque and demeaning public spectacle?
A: Mr. Clinton's face will be covered at all times by an electronically superimposed dark blob, underneath which will be an electronic label identifying him only as "A United States President."
Q: How will the historic tobacco settlement affect the aliens whose spaceship crashed near Roswell, N.M. in 1947?
A: Millions of dollars will be paid to their lawyers.
Q: I guess that covers it! Thanks! Smoke?
A: No, thank you. I have my own.
A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).
I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread?
Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions
Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.
Remember, think idiotically, act globally.
Though the Earth, and all inferior Creatures be common to all Men, yet every
Man has a Property in his own Person. This no Body has any Right to but
himself. The Labour of his Body, and the Work of his Hands, we may say, are
properly his. Whatsoever then he removes out of the State that Nature hath
provided, and left it in, he hath mixed his Labour with, and joyned to it
something that is his own, and thereby makes it his Property.
-Section 27, Locke's Second Treatise on Government
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
"I ask you to think
about our nation's political leaders. Would you hire any of them to cut your
lawn? Dole does a tidy job, but he never gets far. He keeps wandering away
to talk to the neighbors about cutting their lawn. Gore hasn't gotten
started yet. He's talking to the cat about dandelions being an endangered
species. Gingrich is using the Toro to carve out NEWT in big letters in the
grass. And Clinton couldn't make up his mind whether to do the front first
or the back... So he gave up, and he's inside raiding the refrigerator and
flirting with your baby-sister... If you want something done right, do it
yourself."
-PJ O'Rourke
But a government in which the majority
rule in all cases cannot be based on justice, even as far as men
understand it. Can there not be a government in which majorities do not
virtually decide right and wrong, but conscience? -- in which majorities
decide only those questions to which the rule of expediency is
applicable?
"Civil Disobedience", H.D. Thoreau
An actual right is something that governments need merely to secure, not to implement. -- Dean Jens
... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt
the world to himself.
Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
George Bernard Shaw
"If the federal government should go out of existence, the common run of the people would not detect the difference for a considerable length of time."
Calvin Coolidge
While the anti-Semitism
that usually accompanies such silliness isn't much fun, what strikes
me the most is how bigotry and multiculturalism are really two sides
of the same coin. One group of Americans claims diversity is the
greatest thing in the world -- that differently hued and gendered
people each have a unique perspective that pale penis people can
never comprehend. "I am an albino hermaphroditic lesbian indigenous
American, and you can never understand where I'm coming from."
Meanwhile, another group of Americans -- allegedly opposed to identity
politics -- says, "You people are trapped in your perspective
and you can never be 'real' Americans because you're Jews"
(or blacks, or Asians, or whatever).
Fundamentally, there's no difference between these two positions.
Both sides claim that ethnicity is an iron-bar prison. It's just
that one group thinks they're superior for being in a cage, and
the other group thinks they're superior because they put other people
in a cage. But both are playing the same identity-politics game;
they just play on different teams. It's the difference between those
who say "colored people" and those who say "people
of color"; each side is still valuing and sorting people according
to their color.
Jonah Goldberg, 2001 Nov 2
The American people have been converted to belief in The Living Constitution, a "morphing" document that means, from age to age, what it ought to mean. And with that conversion has inevitably come the new phenomenon of selecting and confirming federal judges, at all levels, on the basis of their views regarding a whole series of proposals for constitutional evolution. If the courts are free to write the Constitution anew they will, by God, write it the way the majority wants; the appointment and confirmation process will see to that. This, of course, is the end of the Bill of Rights, whose meaning will be committed to the very body it was meant to protect against: the majority. By trying to make the Constitution do everything that needs doing from age to age, we shall have caused it to do nothing at all.
Antonin Scalia, in A Matter of Interpretation
For most Americans, life does not revolve around legislation
passed by Congress or the double talk uttered by Washington bureaucrats.
For most of us, life is still helping hands and good neighbors. It is
lovingly packed lunch boxes, nighttime prayers, dinners well talked over,
hard work, and a little put away for the future.
No government can ever command these things, and no government can ever
duplicate them. They are done naturally out of love and a commitment
to the future.
Gary L Bauer, in "Our Journey Home"; quoted in November 1996 Reader's
Digest